Sabrina (Post 2)

I kept standing up, rummaging around in my bag, checking my Blackberry. Sky and Tanya lay tranquilly on their lounge chairs, sipping on their daiquiris, their eyes half-closed behind their sunglasses. Tanya wore a brightly-colored string bikini that displayed her toned abs and fake breasts. Sky wore a black tankini that hid her untoned abs and real breasts. I wore a blue Nike two-piece, which consisted of a racerback top and boy shorts.

“Sabrina, I am thisclose to slipping a tranquilizer into your bottle of water,” Tanya said, turning her head ever so slightly in my direction.

I sat down on my lounge chair, my leg jiggling with restlessness. “Don’t you guys want to do something? Learn to surf, go shopping, anything?”

“No,” they said in unison. Sky stretched her arms over her head. “S, we have plenty of time to do all that. We just got here.”

“We’ve been lying here for an hour!” I cried.

“Not all of us are lucky enough to have naturally tan skin,” Tanya grumbled, lifting the edge of her bikini bottom to check if her tan had advanced and squirting some more tanning oil on her thighs.

“Jesus, S, you’re as bad as my boys! Can’t you just sit still?” Sky asked.

I forced myself back into a supine position, my hands gripping the metal frame of my chair tightly. Every time I closed my eyes, I heard Jake’s voice. Telling me that this wasn’t the life he’d imagined for himself, for Sophie. That he hoped a separation would give me time to think, to prioritize. I clenched my jaw, remembering how he’d sat there on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, his usually good-humored blue eyes rimmed with red, his handsome face crumpled from sleepless nights.

My chest ached as I remembered Sophie’s face, her wide blue eyes, so like her father’s, flickering from me to Jake as we tried to explain to her what was happening. It’s not that Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other… We love you more than life itself… Anxiety swelled into fear, and I could tell that she wanted to rush into Jake’s arms, to be sure that he wasn’t leaving her.

“I’m going to check out the rest of the resort, dammit,” I said loudly, springing out of my chair and grabbing my cover-up. “You two can stay here until you develop stage four melanoma, if you want.”

“Fine, fine, FINE,” Tanya cried, reluctantly pushing herself up into a sitting position. “Woman, you have some serious ants in your pants. I hope you find it in you to chill out before it’s too late.”

I was able to breathe normally again as we walked through the various marine habitats and then through the shopping court. We went to the spa and got pedicures. We peeked into the restaurants and bars, deciding which ones we would sample our first night on Paradise Island.

That evening, we showered and dressed up, ate dinner at a posh French restaurant, and headed to the casino. Not much of a gambler, I was satisfied to watch Tanya try her luck at Blackjack and Baccarat. As her luck held, her confidence grew, and soon she was drawing attention from several well-dressed men with too much gel in their hair. Tanya flirted expertly, luminescent in her green cocktail dress and Jimmy Choos. One of the men, realizing that Tanya had friends in tow, turned and smiled at Sky and me. Then he nudged his buddy – an equally slimy-looking character wearing a silver button-down shirt – and they grinned and winked, almost simultaneously.

We looked at each other in horror, stifling our laughter, and Sky muttered, “I don’t think so, dudes.” She flashed her ring finger none too subtly (she pretended to scratch her cheek) and slipped her arm through mine. “Do you want to go to the bar? Hey, T, we’re going to the bar… Come join us when you’re done…”

“And don’t bring the greaseballs,” I said, perhaps a bit too loudly. We giggled our way to the bar and plopped down on the stools. The bartender gave us the martinis we’d decided on and we surveyed the scene – the family tourists, the newlywed couples, the bands of single men and women. Sky’s cheeks were rosy from the alcohol she’d consumed, and her blue eyes sparkled. Her normally straightened hair was damp and wavy, and her skin gleamed a subtle bronze from the sun she’d gotten that afternoon.

I stared at her for a minute, my face cupped in my hand. “Sky, you look… weightless.”

She looked startled, then giggled. “Really? I feel weightless. At least for the time being. S, I needed this, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys to death, but I just needed a break.”

I stirred my drink. “Of course. Being a full-time mom is the hardest job out there.”

A strange look came across her face. “You believe that?” When I didn’t answer right away, she quickly amended, “I didn’t mean it like that. I just, well, your job is pretty damn hard too.”

“It’s not as hard as yours,” I replied evenly. “I’m too chicken shit to do your job.”

“Being a working mother is very difficult,” she said adamantly. “Juggling the demands of being a mother, a wife, and a careerist… That’s really hard, S.”

I felt the familiar tightness in my chest, the aching in my throat. I am not going to cry, I thought fiercely. I took a deep breath. Once I’d regained my composure, I said, “Yeah, it’s hard. And I failed. I dropped two of those balls, and now I’m only tossing one in the air.”

Sky put her hand on mine. “Why do you say that? Because you and Jake are separated? Sabrina, no marriage is perfect, and you guys just need some time to figure things out.”

I pulled away slowly, not wanting to hurt her feelings. But I could feel the doors closing. “Because Sophie doesn’t even like me, Sky. Because I should have never gotten married and become a mother. Because I suck at it. And now that Jake’s figured that out, he wishes he’d never married me to begin with. Now listen, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. No, I refuse to talk about it anymore.” I tossed back my martini, nearly choking as the gin left a burning trail down my throat. I blinked back the tears and grabbed Sky’s hand. “Come on,” I rasped. “Let’s find Tanya before she gets drunk enough to think those douchebags are one-night-stand material.”

As we approached the slot machines, Sky moaned, “Too late.” Tanya was drunk, her arms flung loosely around Silver Shirt’s neck, and his hand rested casually on her rear. Sky looked at me with a shrug. “Well, I guess -”

“Hang on,” I mumbled, leaving Sky behind me and approaching the amorous couple. Silver Shirt had the nerve to leer over Tanya’s shoulder at me. “Tanya, can I speak to you a minute?” I said loudly.

Tanya allowed her head to loll in my direction, and she smiled broadly, gazing out at me from under heavy lids. “Saaaaabriiiina,” she slurred, “I was wondering where you guys went! I want you to meet… Er…”

“Carlos,” Sliver Shirt said quickly, rolling his “r” deliberately, his voice as oily as his hair. He held his hand out to me. I didn’t take it.

“Yeah, Carlos, can I borrow Tanya for a minute?” I could tell he was going to protest, because his eyebrows came together and his lower lip began to protrude, but I didn’t give him a chance to utter a word. I dragged Tanya behind a row of slot machines and hissed at her. “Tanya, what are you doing? This is our vacation! You are not to hook up with random slimeballs – not while piss-ass drunk.”

Tanya was too intoxicated to muster up an effective retort, but she tried to straighten her shoulders and look down her nose at me. “Excuuuuuuse me? Carlos is a very nice -”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I interrupted, grabbing her forearm. “His name is Roy, he’s from Kentucky, and he wants to get laid.”

Tanya tried to pull away, scowling. “He is NOT! He’s from… from… Colombia. I think.”

“Right. Colombia my ass. T, let’s not do this, okay? If, when you’re sober, you decide ‘Carlos’ is your man, that’s fine. But you are so trashed right now.”

Tanya’s eyes, though unable to focus, flashed angrily for a second. “Sabrina, we are not in college anymore. I don’t need you to babysit me.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to steer her toward an anxious Sky. “Sure you don’t.”

Tanya yanked away defiantly, her voice several decibels too loud, shrill over the ring of the machines. “Actually, you know what, S? If anyone needs to get laid, it’s you. You haven’t been getting it on with Jake lately, that’s for sure. But I hear the girls are just swarming around him. You just need to get over him and move on.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the throat. I felt curious eyes watching us, waiting to hear how I would respond. I even heard one drunk fellow cry, “Ouch, baby!” Sky shook Tanya’s arm, hissing, “Tanya! What is the MATTER with you!” Then she turned to me with pleading eyes and spoke gently, but her words were lost on me. I began to back away slowly, my blood whooshing in my ears.

“I’m going to bed,” I said in a controlled voice. “I’ll see you in the morning.” Then I walked, as if in a trance, out of the casino.